LIVING PROOF THAT ONE MAN CAN’T HAVE EVERYTHING: Roger Federer hasn’t won an Olympic Gold singles medal.
LIVING PROOF THAT PERFECTION IS POSSIBLE: Kazakhstan’s Yaraslava Shevedova fashioned a “Golden Set” (winning all 24 points in a set) over Sara Errani at Wimbledon.
SEXUAL FRENZY IN WIMBLEDON’S RAFTERS: As Victoria Azarenka was wrapping another Wimbledon win, a dozen or so delicate white feathers drifted down onto Centre Court, which according to one Tweet, came from an “owl up in the rafters who had been driven to a sexual frenzy by Victoria’s calls.”
NOT NEW BALLS, PUH-LEEZ: Just before winning the third set of a Wimbledon match, Jo-Willie Tsonga was hit in his private parts by an Andy Murray shot. After the players came out to play the fourth set, the BBC said, “A new set, but not new balls.”
MEDITATIONS ON MEDIOCRITY: Mary Carillo contended, “Only a mediocre person is always at his best.” … Maria Sharapova said she was bored with herself “on a daily basis.” … Serena said she was “just an average individual.”
THE NAKED TRUTH: John McEnroe went to the beach volleyball matches at the Olympics and said, “The energy there is crazy … They’ve got these people juiced up, they’ve got a DJ, they’ve got naked people, basically. We need a little of this in Wimbledon, perhaps.”
BORG REVELATION: While struggling against Andre Agassi in the Powershares senior event in Vegas, Mac mooned the crowd and revealed his Bjorn Borg underwear.
COLLYWOBBLE POWER: As first-time Slam finalist Azarenka was stepping out to face veteran Sharapova in Melbourne, Eleanor Preston said that Sharapova was “banking on a few collywobbles from her opponent.”
SAY IT ISN’T SO: The still-sidelined Rafael Nadal is not playing the Aussie Open … Federer completely whiffed on two balls during Switzerland’s Davis Cup loss to the U.S. … The U.S. Open finished a day late for the fifth straight year … Nick Bollettieri and two-time Slam champ Yvgeny Kafelnikov were rejected for induction into the Hall of Fame … After Murray bravely fought off wretched back spasms at the French Open, Virginia Wade called him a “drama queen” … When Nadal beat Djokovic in the French Open final, they set an Open Era record for the most consecutive Grand Slam singles finals, four, to feature the same two players … The American flag fell to the ground during the gold medal ceremony for Serena … Venus and Serena, the most dominant doubles team since Navratilova and Shriver, were unseeded in the Wimbledon and Olympic doubles. They won both … Serena dominated in ‘11, but was only ranked No. 3.
DEATH IN THE AFTERNOON: After losing to Dominika Cibulkova in Paris, Azarenka quipped “I’m gonna kill myself.” … After winning at Atlanta and then losing at the Olympics, Andy Roddick said, “I feel like it’s extremes with me right now. If I win one, it’s like career appreciation day. Then if I lose one, it’s like we should take him out into the field and shoot him in the head.”
AND NOW FOR THE MOST USELESS STATS YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW: Federer has beaten a guy named Andy (i.e. Roddick or Murray) to win eight of his 17 Slams … Aussie Open radio brought on air a “Trouser Adjustment Statistician” to count how many times Nadal pulled “his undies out of his bottom” … The often-obsessive Nadal almost always bounces the ball 11 times before serving … After Federer beat Fabio Fognini, Prince Charles applauded 73 times … If Venus Williams married New Zealand’s top player, Michael Venus, she could be called Venus Venus.
GO FIGURE: The ATP turned down Larry Ellison’s offer to add $800,000 to the prize money of the BNP Paribas tournament because it was not consistent with their guidelines … Federer has 11,829,108 Facebook followers, which is greater than the 7.9 million population of Switzerland … Before David Ferrer won in Paris, Federer, Djokovic, Nadal and Murray won 17 consecutive Masters 1000 tournaments … Before Murray won the U.S. Open, Federer, Nadal and Djokovic had won 29 of the last 30 majors … Within a month, Americans John Isner, Mardy Davis, Mike Bryan and Andy Roddick scored wins over Federer … Serena claimed she didn’t play well in World Team Tennis because she feels too much pressure. Plus, she says, she doesn’t keep her runner-up trophies “because second place is like last place.” … After winning the U.S. Open, Murray apologized to reporters for not being able to show how happy he was inside … After an ultrasound showed that Sharapova wasn’t pregnant, Maria asked the doctor for her money back … Aussie Sam Groth blasted a 163-mph serve in a South Korean challenger, which is far faster than the standing record of 156-mph by Ivo Karlovic … In both pop (and high) culture, there has been only one Ravi Shankar. On the ATP tour there have been two players named Ravi Shankar.
SAID JUST IN CHEST? While struggling at the French Open, Andy Murray turned to his box and said, “I’m trying my tits off” … After Gilles Simon said that women players shouldn’t be paid as much as men, Serena said, “I work just as hard as he did… I don’t deserve less because I have boobs and they don’t.”
HEADLINES:
AZARENKA IS THE BIG NEW NOISE
ANDY SILENCES PARIS HATE MOB
THE ICE MAN COACHETH
I’M JUST TOO OLD TO CHANGE MY WAILS SAYS SCREAM QUEEN SHARAPOVA
BORIS BECKER: ONLY FEDERER COULD HANG WITH OUR GENERATION
KARLOVIC: ONLY REASON MURRAY BEAT ME IS BECAUSE WHOLE COUNTRY WANTS HIM TO WIN WIMBLEDON
KIMIKO OUT OF DATE
MATTEK SANDS TURNS BORING
IS IMPERSONATION OF SERENA RACIST?
STOSUR HAS BUILT HER OWN CAGE OF FRAGILITY
WOZNIACKI LOSES, BUT HER LIFE IS NOT OVER
WHY TENNIS RULES THE EARTH
