Of Coal Bunkers, Anorexic Twiglets and Biblical Egypt

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63327713GO FIGURE: The current generation of Chinese women is known as the Golden Flowers…Scot Andy Murray may have fallen in the AO final, but a Scottish deerhound — Foxcliffe Hickory Wind —ousted more than 2,000 other dogs at the Westminster Kennel Club and was named Best In Show…Murray hasn’t won a single set In three Slam finals…In an “ova”-the-top era of lengthy names, Li Na has the shortest name in the history of Slam singles finals…The highest ranked Chinese man is No. 317, while Li Na is No. 7…The beloved WTA staffer Peachy Kellmeyer will be inducted into the International Tennis Hall of Fame.

LONELY LARRY’S LAMENT: A lad named Larry e-mailed Australian Open Radio and asked, “Could Caroline Wozniacki go on a date with me? P.S. I have never gone out on a date.”

ONE COACHING ICON WHO’S TURNING OVER IN HIS GRAVE: Kristina Mladenovic checked out Nicolas Mahut’s curves when the Frenchman showed up at the Hopman Cup in drag. Which begs the question: is the zealously straight-laced Harry Hopman, who was always a stickler about clothes and decorum, turning over in his grave?

OF COAL BUNKERS, ANOREXIC TWIGLETS AND BIBLICAL EGYPT: Okay, the astonishing revolution in Egypt has zilch to do with tennis. Still, it brought to mind our favorite (though incredibly frivolous) reference to that great land. While commenting on trends in tennis fashion, Sue Mott wrote, “Wimbledon is like biblical Egypt. There are years of plenty, when female players’ bottoms are compared to coal bunkers encased in straining Lycra. And there are years of lean, when the women’s dressing room is rumored to be packed with anorexic twiglets on the brink of hysterical burnout.”

THE TRACKS OF THEIR TEARS: The Aussie Open is known as The Happy Slam. Recently, it’s been more like The Weepy Slam. After he lost the ’09 final to Rafael Nadal, Roger Federer cried and blurted out, “This is killing me.” Last year, after losing to Federer, Andy Murray said, “I can cry like Roger. It’s just a shame I can’t play like him.”  This year, after losing to him in the quarters, Nadal explained, “I was crying in the locker room. I [hated that I had] to go out of the tournament. Last year, I had to do it and it was something I didn’t want to repeat.”

GREAT WISDOM, SAD EYES: Kate Kearns asserted, “Love hasn’t been easy for Justine Henin.” Chris Bowers added, “Justine is still battling with issues relating to her sense of self. She talks with great wisdom but I see those sad eyes.”

CLASSIEST MOMENT: After faltering due to injury to his friend David Ferrer in the AO quarters, a hobbled Nadal showed nothing but class and dignity as he offered zero excuses.

GIVING NEW MEANING TO THE HAAGEN-DAZS DIET: Back when Ivan Lendl first introduced conscious nutrition (remember the Haas diet?) to the men’s tour, John McEnroe countered that he was following the Haagen-Dazs diet. Now China’s Li Na has signed a four-year, $1 million endorsement deal for Haagen-Dazs. And yes, the rooted-in-the-Bronx ice cream outfit will provide the Chinese star with free ice cream anywhere in the world.

NEW DAYS NEW TERMS:

• Brad Gilbert said tennis should have a stat that tracks player’s “re-break percentage:” i.e. how often a player breaks back after being broken.

• During the AO women’s final, which was marked by one break of serve after another, Martina Navratilova noted that instead of saying the players were on serve, she “should have said they were ‘on break.'”

• Last year, Chris Bowers noted that the phrase “no man’s land” didn’t sound right in women’s tennis. So this year, Matthew Cronin coined the phrase “no woman’s land”

BREAKOUT PLAYERS OF THE YEAR: Milos Raonic and Alexander Dolgopolov.

MR. MR.: Hey, Pancho, some players go through entire careers without a single nickname. Not the hot Canadian rookie Milos Raonic, who’s been called the “Maple Leaf Missile,” “Big Leaf,” “Bombardier Milos,” “Mr. Mr.” (for his initials, MR), and even, get this, “Avatar.”

YET ANOTHER EXISTENTIAL TRUTH: To bolster his point that Australian players are fine until they face international competition, The Age’s Greg Baum drew on existential sources, noting, “Sartre once said,’In football, everything is complicated by the presence of the opposition.’ Australia knows what he meant.”

REFLECTIONS ON CLIMATE CHANGE:

• Broadcaster Kate Kearns claimed that Virginia Wade’s high service toss was responsible for climate change.

• Wozniacki admitted that her frequent airline flights weren’t good for the environment. Still, she encouraged folks to “go green. Make cars that don’t use so much gas. Make them electric…When you take a shower, two minutes is enough. Even the girls.”

• Navratilova said, “Andy Murray doesn’t only absorb your pace, he absorbs your energy.”

EUROPEAN ACCENT: Twenty-eight of the 32 last players in the AO draw were European. The exceptions: China’s Li Na and Shuai Peng, Canada’s Milos Raonic and American Andy Roddick.

WAFFLE WORKS THAT DIDN’T WORK: Venus Williams’ AO dress was a bit of a mess — an outfit by committee. The skirt, which featured seven subtle pastel colors, was intriguing in part because it was out of the norm of tennis’ bold and simple colors. But it clashed with the see through gold top, which according to Eleanor Preston had “some interesting waffle works [and] sort of looked like the top of apple pie.”

PAM’S PEARLS: Pam Shriver said, “God love you, Francesca Schiavone.”…When Shriver all but drooled over the shirtless Nadal, Pat McEnroe said, “Settle down, Pam”…As for Victoria Azarenka, Shriver suggested the Arizonan “has the weapon —and the scream — to make a big push at the majors.”

SUCH A BELOW-THE-BELT CRITIQUE: Esquire’s Tom Chiarella said model Brooklyn Decker married “the only appealing American tennis player with gonads.”

GIRLS GONE CRAZY: Something was in the WTA water in Melbourne. German Andrea Petkovic again did her delightful “Petko jig.” Clijsters confronted former star and on-court emcee Todd Woodbridge with the text message he’d sent Rennae Stubbs, which said he thought Clijsters was pregnant and looked “very grumpy and her boobs are bigger.” Woodbridge replied, “Oh my goodness. Well, that’s the end of my TV career.” Then there was Wozniacki. After hearing that the media thought her press conferences were boring, Wozniacki launched into her own Q&A dialogue in which she provided answers before the usual formulaic questions were asked. Later in the tournament, the Dane explained that she suffered a cut when she went to help a kangaroo in a local park. But the story was fabricated. Wozniacki soon apologized for her ‘roo ruse.

EASY, SPARKY: Asked to comment on his upcoming Madison Square Garden match against Agassi, Sampras predicted, “I look forward to whipping his little ass.”

AGASSI — PLAYING FOR SOMETHING MUCH LARGER THEN SELF: Agassi celebrated his International Tennis Hall of Fame induction news with a pep rally at his Vegas academy. He told IT,  “We all have our cross to bear…I had a ‘hate-love’ relationship with tennis, not a ‘love-hate’ relationship. I went from resenting a life that was chosen for me to, after being No. 1 and falling to No. 141, choosing to take ownership of my life. That’s when I started my school. All of a sudden tennis felt like a team sport. I felt connected to something, but I was also playing for something much larger than myself. It then gave me my life’s meaning, my purpose. It then gave me my wife. As a result, I’m so grateful for where I find myself.”

JUST WONDERING: Henin retired for the second time in three Australian Opens. But could her timing have been worse? She announced her decision just as her fellow Belgian Clijsters was making her final push to gain the title…Does Alexandr Dolgopolov look a bit like Martina Hingis?…How cool is it that Alexandra Stevenson, 30, is unleashing a promising comeback run.

ODDEST SIGHT: The baffled expression on the usually confident face of Nadal as he struggled to find out what was wrong with his body in the AO quarters against Ferrer.

BORING STRATEGY: Patrick McEnroe said the best way to get to Federer is to bore him.

REPORTS OF MY DEMISE HAVE BEEN GREATLY EXAGGERATED: Brushing aside claims that he’s washed up, Federer quipped, “Yeah, I mean, they say that very quickly…Let’s talk in six months again.”

THE NEW SHARAPOVA: Maria Sharapova has a new coach and a new racket, but still has the same modest results. In Australia, she lost to Petkovic in the fourth round. Worse yet, when she went to Russia (where she rarely plays well) she lost her opening Fed Cup match to Alize Cornet, and was subsequently benched in favor of 19-year-old newbie Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova.

MASHA’S STALKER?: An off-the-wall New Zealand TV journalist kept popping up at Sharapova’s press conferences from Auckland to Melbourne. After Maria called him a stalker, the man unfurled a cardboard sign that read: “I am not a stalker.”

WHEN AND IF: When Chris Evert first spotted Navratilova, she thought, “If she loses weight, we’re all in trouble.” Echoing that mindset, Navratilova recently said of Chinese tennis, “If the government really gets behind tennis, watch out.”

NOT ANYMORE: When a baby cried out from the stands during a match of the once-volatile Vera Zvonareva, Navratilova quipped, “That would have been Zvonareva [crying] a couple of years ago, but not anymore.”

FARMERS REVOLT: It’s not necessarily a dirty little secret, but it’s one the most important underreported constants in the pro game. Many tournaments regularly pay guarantees (errrrr, appearance fees) to the top stars. But now L.A.’s Farmers Classic is opting not to pay guarantees. Tournament director Bob Kramer told IT that the ATP Tour stop would be going to a “kinder, gentler time…We’ll be standing on our own merit.” The tournament will save hundreds of thousands of dollars. But will it attract a cadre of buzz-generating players?

BRYAN BITES: Bob and Mike Bryan’s incredible career keeps on getting better.  After a busy off-season of non-stop fundraisers and rock concerts, the Bryan Bros. won their second straight Grand Slam title.  Their fifth Australian Open victory was also their 10th career Slam title, leaving them just one short of the record set by Mark Woodforde/Todd Woodbridge.  En route to the Melbourne victory, Bob told Matthew Cronin that he got married in Miami on a Monday because it’s cheaper, and that his brother would be “dialing it in” within a year by marrying his British girlfriend. He quipped, “Our next paycheck goes for the ring.”

VIVE LA DIFFERENCE: The Bryan Bros. celebrate their victories with their airborne chest bump. The Murray Bros. — Andy and Jamie — celebrate their wins with a penguin walk.

GOING SOFT?: Regarding conflicts of interest in tennis broadcasting, SI.com’s Richard Deitsch asserted, “The sport’s television entities have long fostered a climate where players are subjected to questions about as soft as a Francesca Schiavone drop shot. It’s hard to believe such flagrant conflicts would be permitted in other sports. As one…wag joked to me while watching the coverage, ‘We now go to Mrs. Boras for a report on Alex Rodriguez.'”

SAY IT ISN’T SO: A smattering of fans booed Venus after she withdrew in the third round of the Aussie Open due to a painful groin injury…It’s the 10th anniversary of Serena being booed at Indian Wells…When reflecting on the prevalence of coaching from the stands, Navratilova said, “Everybody does it, so it’s not illegal.”…Serena Williams is now ranked No. 12.

FRENCH FEUD: There were some who wanted the crowded French Open to move to Versailles in the suburbs. Others, like Nadal, were against it. The Spaniard noted, “If we move elsewhere, maybe the site is going to be bigger but we’re going to loose part of our soul.” Now the French Federation has voted to keep the Open in Paris. Paris’ mayor has been working with officials on plans to build a retractable Court Centrale and a small stadium in a nearby botanical gardens. But over 300,000 people have signed a petition against the move that might affect the gardens that date to 1761. Francoise Hardy, a well-known French singer, wrote, “We fear that a building project like this will denature and disfigure this site.”

FED CUP FLOP: Kim Clijsters rallied from a one-set deficit to defeat Bethanie Mattek-Sands 6-7(10), 6-2, 6-1 in leading Belgium to a 4-1 win over the U.S. in the Fed Cup quarters in Antwerp. Melanie Oudin was a disappointing 0 for 2, falling to Clijsters 6-0, 6-4 and Yanina Wickmayer 6-2, 6-0. Liezel Huber/Vania King accounted for the U.S. team’s lone point via a 6-3, 7-5 win over Kirsten Flipkens/An-Sophie Mestach in doubles. It marked the first time in 10 years and only the third time in Fed Cup history that the U.S. had lost in the opening round. The Belgians moved on to face the Czech Republic in the semis April 16-17. In the other semi, two-time defending champ Italy will face Russia. At the same time the U.S. will travel to Germany to play in the World Group Playoffs.

THE NUMBERS

10: Occasions over past 14 majors that Querrey has lost in the first round.

10: Consecutive double faults (including five in a row) for Sharapova in her opening-round victory over Tamarine Tanasugarn.

10: Number of pages exclusively dedicated to Roddick’s wife, Brooklyn Decker, in the SI swimsuit issue.

HEADLINES

Big Red Roo, Little White Lie

Wozniacki Lied to the Media

Rafa Slam Is Slammed

RODDICK’S CALL TO ARMS: Roddick said he’d “like to see the younger American players hungrier and really passionate about the game as opposed to just being content with traveling around…[Tennis] has to be treated like a profession. Everybody else goes to work from 9 to 5 [and] puts in long hours.” Roddick added that he was “certainly available for any of the up-and-coming, high-level juniors, and I always have been…I certainly have always accepted the responsibility of kind of being the figurehead of American tennis.”

NO BEER BELLY FOR BLAKE: James Blake told IT he wasn’t sure if he was going to make it back to the top, but that once he does retire he might become a soccer dad, open a club and continue playing tennis so he doesn’t get a beer belly. All the while, he might go back to Harvard or another college to finish his degree.

TENNIS MAD KATE: According to the Daily Mail, Prince William’s great love —princess-to-be Kate Middleton —  “is tennis-mad and is being lined up to take center stage in the Royal Box during Wimbledon. She could even take over trophy presenting duties.”

NOTHING HAPPENED THAT REALLY MATTERED: When the sometimes-prickly Leander Paes got under Feliciano Lopez’s skin by calling out “Vamos,” a not so pleasant brouhaha broke out during their Aussie Open doubles match. But Lopez dismissed it, saying, “Nothing happened that really matters.”

DUBIOUS ENDINGS: Milos Raonic was about to finish off his feel good win over Fernando Verdasco in San Jose when an idiotic fan screamed out, clearly distracting Verdasco, who was trying to return Raonic’s 138 mph serve…Zvonereva was fuming throughout her quarterfinal match with Daniela Hantuchova in Pattaya City. Then near the end of her 7-6(3), 6-4 defeat, she was assessed a point penalty for improper conduct, which gave Hantuchova a match point. The Russian then stopped play and insisted a referee intervene. The ump said she had read her lips and detected abusive language. The Russian responded, “I talk to myself in Russian. I don’t think she can understand that.”

IN MEMORIAM: Jim McManus, 70, a founding member of the original ATP Board of Directors, died on Jan. 18 of medical complications following his battle with cancer.

A TALE OF TWO MARATHONS: The differences between the two great marathons of the Open Era are clear. The John Isner-Nicolas Mahut Wimbledon marathon went for 11:08. The Francesca Schiavone-Svetlana Kuznetsova Aussie Open battle lasted “only” 4:44 (but set the Open Era record for a women’s major). The Isner-Mahut numbers are astounding: 183 games, 215 aces and a fifth set that lasted for eight hours and 11 minutes. The women’s match had a meager 47 games and 207 fewer aces, but it concluded with a riveting final set that lasted three hours. Eventually, Schiavone won 4-6, 6-1, 16-14. Despite the differences – gender, style, length, site and surface — both the Isner-Mahut and Schiavone-Kuznetsova classics were astounding displays of grit, will, endurance and belief.

SAMPRAS’ REVEALING REFLECTIONS ON FEDERER AND SELF: Pete Sampras, whose former tutor, Paul Annacone, is now coaching Roger Federer, reports that Annacone says the 16-time Slam champ is eager and doing “all the right things.” Sampras concedes that Federer “has lost a few matches here and there, but that’s going to happen. He’s raised the bar so high for so long. You can’t expect him to maintain that year in, year out. He’s going to go through some tough losses…He’s a little older, but he’s still very eager, versus when I was 29. I was burned down. I was beat down. He’s a little fresher. He likes to travel. He likes to play a lot of tennis. It’s just a different mentality than I felt at 29. He’s up against a couple of guys who are getting better. Paul would like Roger to come in a little more, but at the same time, that’s Roger’s game – to stay back and rally. But against some of the top guys you could do some things that could change it up a little bit. But…I don’t think he really needs to change anything. It just gets tougher to maintain that level. Sampras concedes that sometimes it’s tough to be open-minded. “Great players believe in themselves and their game,” said Pete. “You can hear input, but when it comes down to it, when you’re out there competing and it’s pressure time, you’re going to resort to what you’ve done over the years…Roger sees himself coming in or serving and volleying as a sign of weakness. I don’t think he has to do it. [But when he’s up] against some of the top players, when things aren’t working, maybe try something different. But I think we’re – I don’t want to say stubborn — but resilient in a way that we feel like we’ve won a number of majors this way and I’m going to stick with it. If I lose, I lose…Paul is trying to work his way into Roger’s head and maybe try a few things, but I know when I felt nervous I just resorted to what I was comfortable doing. Roger’s a great guy and Paul loves working with him.” Sampras added that it was different for Annacone to coach Federer. “With me, it was just one-on-one. Obviously, Roger has his wife, his kids. He’s got a lot more around him. Paul is just trying to help him, give him some experience, maybe shed a little light on my stuff…what I went through later in my career. He knows what Roger’s going through a little bit. He’s trying to slowly add some things. But tennis is a very straightforward game when you’re at the top of the game. There’s not any magic formula…There’s only so much Paul can do. Roger’s won 16 majors playing his way and I don’t think he needs to change.”

KING KONG GONE WRONG: The Guardian said the color of Andy Murray’s new duds “might be the ugliest green since King Kong blew his nose.” BTW: Has a player ever won a Slam in as green an outfit as the one Clijsters wore in Melbourne?

THREE STRIKES AND YOU ARE NOT OUT: Can three-time Slam final loser Murray take solace in knowing that Andre Agassi and Goran Ivanisevic each lost their first three Slam finals and Clijsters and Lendl came up short in their first four attempts?

WELCOME TO THE WONDERFUL, NO SO INNER KINGDOM OF LI NA: Of all the players on tour, Li Na has one of the tougher back stories. Her Dad died when she was 14 and wrote, “Young players nowadays do not appreciate that they are given whatever they want. They don’t even need to work hard.” Still the candid Li Na is the best new comedic talent to emerge in tennis since Novak Djokovic. With impeccable timing, she offers brutally frank answers. She concedes she is playing for money. She stated the obvious, saying that she beat Victoria Azarenka because she was a better player. She admits she celebrates a win by getting her husband to give her his credit card and then goes shopping. Then, after she beat Wozniacki to become to the first Chinese player to reach a Grand Slam final, she said it was such a tough match because “I didn’t have a good evening. My husband slept like this – SSHHHHSS. I woke up every hour!” Regarding her snipes at her husband/coach Jiang Shan (who, for Western consumption was renamed Dennis), Li Na said, “I made a lot of jokes…but it doesn’t matter if you are fat or skinny, handsome or ugly, I’ll always follow you and always love you.” After she won the first set of the Aussie final and then dropped the second and third sets, she quipped that matches should only be one set long.

QUOTEBOOK

“Federer is an air runner. Nadal is an earth runner. Federer could have been a ballet dancer. Nadal could have been a boxer.” — Richard Evans

“I do feel bad.” — Kim Clijsters, who beat former No. 1 Dinara Safina in the first round 6-0, 6-0 in 44 minutes

“If you allow yourself to be dictated to by Venus, you’ll be flapping at shadows all day long.” — Australian Open Radio

“The real deal.” — John McEnroe on Canadian upstart Milos Raonic

“Funk and junk.” — Reference to Bernard Tomic’s unconventional game style and lifestyle

“The punk from the Gold Coast did more than enough to show everyone he is a real talent.” — The Telegraph’s Mark Hodgkinson on Bernard Tomic

“You’ve got to be able to play under all kinds of circumstances — good, bad, strange, weird, bizarre, all of the above. So I was glad to come through.” —  Venus Williams

“The heart of the matter is heart.” —  Patrick McEnroe

“Now you guys can call me Aussie Kim because I’ve won the title” —  Kim Clijsters

“This is probably my last full season.”—  Kim Clijsters

“It’s getting away from the maestro. Its Djokovic who’s playing the good music” — Leif Schiras on Djokovic’s AO semifinal win over Federer

“I have reached the stage where I feel that I could get any ball on the court.” —  Novak Djokovic

“We’re outnumbered now.” — Lleyton Hewitt on the arrival of his third child

“What an effort we’re seeing from Venus — the courage, the effort, the heart.” —  Mary Joe Fernandez during the injured American’s second-round win over Sandra Zahlavova

“This is going to hang over Andy’s head for some time.” — Tim Henman on Andy Murray

1.6 BILLION CHINESE STAND TOGETHER: Bruce Jenkins noted that, during Li Na’s historic run in Melbourne, “it was common to hear she had ‘1.6 billion Chinese rooting for her.’ Really? All 1.6 billion? Couldn’t there be a Kirilenko or Ivanovic fan in there…[or a] big fan of Andrea Petkovic’s nutty dance?”…Jenkins also took Aussie Open flameout Sam Querrey to task, saying, “You can’t have a slouch as a leading representative of America’s tennis future, and Querrey is a big-time slouch.”

MY UNCLE THE VICE PRESIDENT: Rafa’s coach, Toni Nadal , remains the most prominent uncle in tennis history. But Milos Raonic’s uncle was formerly the VP of Montenegro.

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