Bill Simons
They say it’s easier to turn a battleship around in a lagoon than create change in tennis. But, at last, there actually have been changes. There are three weeks between the French Open and Wimbledon. The final weekend at the US Open is now more sensible. There is coaching in women’s tennis and the Davis and Fed Cup finals are set to be combined into one event.
In 2019 the ATP will revamp their calendar, and their experimental Next Gen tournament in November will test drive a bunch of innovations, including four-game sets, no let cords on serves, a clock showing the time between points, just one medical time-out per match and new rules allowing fans to move more freely.
Sounds good. But there are a billion other ideas for change floating out there in the “tennisphere.” Here are a bunch of oh-so-serious (and not-so-serious) changes that are certain to help humanity.
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If you withdraw in singles, you can’t play doubles.
Gambling companies can’t be sponsors in a sport that doesn’t allow its players or officials to gamble.
After a long, epic point with the crowd going nuts, umps have to allow more time until the next point is played.
All those huge player appearance fees have to be revealed to the public. And, if you get a big guarantee and then lose in the first couple of rounds, you have to give half your money back.
A small portion of a player’s prize money should be set apart to give to the player’s tennis charity of choice.
No mulligans – every tournament you play has to count in the rankings.
The next time tennis builds a new stadium, it has to be designed with steep overlapping tiers (think Carnegie Hall) so fans don’t feel like they’re on Mars.
Seedings have to get real. Tournaments have to consider players’ history and their performances on each surface. Remember Rafa was only seeded No. 4 at the Italian Open and the doubles duo of Serena and Venus weren’t even seeded when they last played (and won) Wimbledon.
When asked what opponent you would rather play in the next round – the absolutely dominant player who’s been kicking your butt for years or some overachieving outlier who reached the third round for the first time in his career – a player can’t say, “Oh, I don’t care who I face.”
Implement the gloat rule – linespersons who are proved right by Hawk-Eye are allowed to take a little bow and get a shout-out on the scoreboard: “Correct call by linesperson Susan Jaspers of Glendale, CA.”
Any reporter who asks Roger or the Williams sisters when they’re going to retire will immediately be booted out of the International Tennis Writers Association.
After a player is shellacked 6-2, 6-1, the PA announcer can’t say, “Gee, what a great day of tennis it’s been!”
When you catch your service toss and don’t hit the ball, that’s a fault.
After a net cord or a shanked shot goes your way, you can’t hold up your hand or racket to sheepishly offer a faux apology.
If you smash your racket to smithereens, you have to give a dozen rackets to needy kids. (But you don’t get a penalty for the no-harm, very human act of venting your frustration.)
Once the media has asked a player 17 times in a season, “What’s wrong with American tennis?” the player can say, “Go shove it!” Then again, a truly elite American men’s star has to emerge one of these days and reach the very top. Enough already.
Umps have to smile once a match. Plus they have to lighten up and lose their overly serious ‘tude. This is a tennis court, not the Supreme Court. Plus, Ivan “so funny in private, yet so glum in public” Lendl has to give us a grin once a season.
Players are banned from uttering the following phrases more than three times a year: “I am going to take it just one match at a time,” “I was just trying to stay in the moment,” and “To be honest…”
Who dat? Players facing each other have to wear different outfits so fans up in row Z or watching the match on TV can easily tell them apart.
Davis Cup champions shouldn’t have to play again just a few months after winning. The Davis Cup shouldn’t be played in Olympic years and, come to think of it, the Olympics has to have more of a team element.
Your support team over in the Friends Box can’t signal whether to call for a Hawk-Eye challenge or not. And BTW, support teams of both players have to sit right by each other, like it used to be === at Wimbledon. After all, it’s a bit like having the Hatfields and McCoys at the same party. Let the twitching begin.
The Augusta Masters has its green jacket. The Kentucky Derby displays its roses. The Tour de France’s brand is the yellow jersey. NCAA hoop winners cut down the net. Sure, Tennis Hall of Famers get a blue blazer and a ring, but our tournaments have to come up with something more symbolic than a check, a trophy and an occasional Porsche to hand out to giddy winners.
If you grunt on court, you can’t complain that the feel-good folks up in the pricey suites are being too loud.
If you’ve complained ad nauseum about how ruthless tennis’ schedule is, you can’t play the lucrative Asian Premier League exhibition circuit in the off-season.
The outsourcing of American tournaments to foreign shores has to stop. The top honchos should add another California tournament to the schedule. Plus, the WTA and/or the ATP should swing by New York and again play their year-end championships in Madison Square Garden.
Once every three years a top Euro star like Federer, Nadal, Djokovic or Murray has to play one of the smaller American summer tournaments.
A player who scores a shock upset over a mega-star occasionally has to go on and win a couple more matches.
The lyrical, sing-song sound of advice an Italian coach was giving Roberta Vinci during a changeover was so pleasing that Ted Robinson quipped, “All on-court coaching should bein Italian.” We agree.
Implement the “Shrimp and Chardonnay” edict – i.e., federations have to reveal what they spend for their dances, galas and getaways. (Hypocrisy alert: We adore hobnobbing in the President’s Suite at the US Open.)
Implement the Nole Rule: Before serving, players can bounce the ball just 12 times.
Implement the Rafa Rule: After winning a tourney, a player can’t please locals by saying, “This is my favorite tournament of the year” more than a couple of times a year.
The No-Tie Rule: Britain’s stuffy Parliament now allows members to show up without ties. So, good people at the Davis Cup, please stop calling your matches ties.
The rules of medical time-outs should be enforced, and bathroom breaks can’t go on forever.
Hand gestures from the players box are forever banned. (Our fave excuse came when one coach explained that his player lost because she misunderstood his hand signals.)
The USTA president’s term should be increased from two to three years.
Players need to understand that the media tells their stories and should freely open up and tell their truths – well, most of them, anyway.
If you were a player who continually criticized the “fake news” media, you have to sit out a year before you become a broadcaster. (Plus, John McEnroe has to have a lifetime ban on commenting on naughty behavior.)
There’s got to be a system where the best player in the world’s actually No. 1. BTW: Neither the ATP or WTA No. 1 has won a Slam in a year.
Something has to be done about the Balkanization of tennis. All the different groups should consolidate a bit, and yes, there should be a commissioner.
Now that Mardy Fish has retired, most media have given the hook to Fish headlines. But now we “Konta Believe It.” There’s an outbreak of Konta headlines. So “You Konta Be Serious” headlines are now considered “konta-band” and are strictly prohibited – except, of course, in this publication.
The apron worn by the pizza waitress Melissa Johnson when she streaked across Centre Court before the 1996 Wimbledon final has to have its own special niche in a Hall of Fame.
You get a 10% discount on your tickets if they’re on the brutally hot, sunny side of the stadium.
Courts have to be painted a dark color (think deep purple) so you can easily follow the ball on TV.
Memo to God: If a tourney has a roof, let it rain. If not, give us nothing but sunny skies.
Since tennis movies so often are lame, the two upcoming ones – “Battle of the Sexes” and “Borg/McEnroe” – have to get Oscar nominations.
Spunky World TeamTennis must get more love.
Fair is fair: Big powerful players over 6’5” are only permitted hit one incredibly adept, feathery drop shot per set.
We declare a three-year moratorium on replays of Jimmy Connors driving Aaron Krickstein nuts at the ’91 U.S. Open.
If you’re a tournament referee and you want to help a player from your country, put him or her on a smaller outside stadium where passionate, close-to-the-action fans can provide a hefty home court advantage.
Tennis would do well to cool it when it comes to all its endless self-congratulations and suspect awards. On the other hand, Nick Bollettieri, Stanford’s Dick Gould and Russian Yvgeny Kafelnikov should all get into the International Hall of Fame.
Laughter heals: mime Novak Djokovic has to start doing his hilarious imitations again.
If there’s a compelling early afternoon match at Roland Garros, the French have to stop munching their brie and come out and watch.
When a young British woman with a triple-digit ranking gets a wildcard into Wimbledon and then draws a top seed, she can’t say, “I’m in a perfect place. I’m exactly where I want to be.”
Jack Sock has to land a sock endorsement.
End the buzzkill. There’s nothing quite as anti-climactic as when a player wins a championship on a Hawk-Eye challenge. Some genius has got to figure a way to solve this one.
A miracle worker has to come up with a way for Roger, Rafa, the Williamses and the Bryans to defy time so they can play forever.
