GLAM SLAM: Do The Darlings of Doha (Serena, Sveta, Dementieva, Azarenka, Safina, Jankovic, Wozniacki and Venus) prove that women’s tennis is better at glaming up its athletes than any other sport?
GOOD QUESTION: An SI.com reader asked, “Harder to reform: the U.S. healthcare system or tennis tournament schedule?”
THE FIRST LADY’S FIRST PET PEEVE: What bugs Michelle Obama most about her hubby? Perhaps, suggested the AP, it’s his practicing his speeches for hours in front of the bathroom mirror or talking too much foreign policy at the dinner table? No — the First Lady said it’s his tennis. When they play, the president usually wins. “He beats me quite often,” she said on ‘The Jay Leno Show’. “That gets to be pretty annoying.”
THE ACCIDENTAL TENNIS PLAYER: After No. 25-ranked Sam Querrey inexplicably sat on a glass table and slashed his right arm, he summarized his Bangkok bummer, writing: “Worst day ever.” Later he observed, “My physical therapist is a super hot South American woman. The pain is worth it.”
BEAUTY IS IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER: A Chinese reporter asked Nikolay Davydenko, “Because you’re not so good looking…[does that] make you put more focus on your tennis? And given the chance, would you like to be more good looking or keep your life going like this?” Surprisingly, the Shanghai winner dignified the question with an answer, saying, “If I don’t have a wife, maybe I can say, ‘Yeah, I disappointed maybe, I’m not good looking.’ But really, I have many girls [that like me] in Russia. I don’t know about China, but in Russia, I still look good.”
HAIRY COMMENTARIES: Jon Wertheim claimed that the $1,500 Roger Federer was fined for using the “S” word at the U.S. Open “barely covers the cost of his haircuts”… Tom Tebbutt described Marat Safin’s goatee as a “period at the bottom of his exclamation mark of a face”…After suffering the effects of a $16 Supercuts haircut, Bob Bryan (whose pocketed over $6 million in prize money) sent the following note via Twitter: “Found out that it was the lady’s first day on the job after she gave me a ‘faux-hawk.’ Refund please!”
JUST WONDERING: What recent development is more whacky — Justine Henin’s semi-surprising return, Serena’s meltdown, Chris Evert and Greg Norman’s split, Sam Querrey falling through a glass table, Agassi revealing that he wore a mullet toupee or Ernests Gulbis getting nabbed for soliciting prostitutes?
OUDIN UPDATE: September’s sweetheart, Melanie Oudin, hasn’t exactly been lighting it up since smoking her opponents at the U.S. Open. She lost in Asian qualifying to an aging American, Jill Craybas, and a young American, Alexa Glatch. But she threw out the first pitch of a Braves game and went on the TV machine and had this jolly chat with Conan O’Brien.
CO: You get very, very emotional … you yell at your feet.
MO: Yes, because sometimes they don’t go fast enough. I don’t know why, I just get mad at them.
CO: Do you say — “Feet, do better! Run faster, feet!” Do you ever call your feet aside and say, “I’m sorry, I got a little angry?”
MO: Not really.
THE QUEEN IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!: Dinara Safina did not wear the crown of being No. 1 lightly. Her six-month reign was marked by unrelenting barbs about her being a Slam-less wonder undeserving of the top slot. No wonder Ravi Ubha suggested that, “Safina probably yearns for the days when she was asked what it’s like to be Marat Safin’s sister.”
LEAVE THE REALITY SHOWS TO BALLOON BOY: Maybe tennis players just weren’t cut out for the dance floor. First Monica Seles crashed out of ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ In September, Martina Hingis was unceremoniously booted off the BBC show ‘Strictly Come Dancing.’
ANOTHER URBAN LEGEND BITES THE DUST: It’s long been assumed that Boris Becker’s fateful tryst with a Russian model occurred in a broom closet at Nobu, the London eatery. Wrong. BB said it “happened on the stairs between the bathrooms.”
IN BECKER’S FOOTSTEPS: Now that ‘Hello!’ magazine featured a more-info-than-we needed, 23-page spread on Becker’s spring wedding in a remote alpine chapel…Mark Philippoussis is reportedly trying to sell the story of his pending marriage to actress Jennifer Esposito for as much as $200,000.
HEADLINES
• Andre Agassi: Champion, Icon and Crystal Meth User
• Chariots of Tired
• I Didn’t Threaten To Kill Anyone
• Becker Tells All, but Alas, His Broom Cupboard is Bare
• Becker: I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman…In a Cupboard
WORST FINANCIAL ADVISE SINCE JIM KRAMER SAID BUY GOLDMAN, SACHS: Jon Wertheim suggested, “You could open a macrobiotic restaurant in Texas. You could manufacturer SUV’s when oil exceeds $100 a barrel. You could hire Michael Vick to endorse your brand of pet food. But if you really wanted to lose money, why not just run a tennis tournament in the autumn?”
MONEY MATTERS: U.S. Open titlist Juan Martin Del Potro, who’s not exactly a must-see attraction, is asking for $400,000 to appear in International Level tournaments… Maria Sharapova reportedly will make $1 million for her upcoming tour to three South American cities… Agassi’s recent gala/concert in Vegas raised $8 million for his foundation and he reportedly got $5 million for his book.
WHY DO TENNIS PLAYERS BOTHER RETIRING?: Justine “Impossible is Nothing” Henin, who insisted she would never come back, will be un-retiring. In addition to Kim Clijsters, others who have returned include former No. 9 Joachim Johansson and Kimiko Date Krumm (after 13 years on the sideline). No wonder Bonnie Ford contended, “We’re a little burned out on this retirement thing,” while Doug Robson noted, “Some wonder if the concept of quitting has been misrepresented.” But Peter Bodo was sympathetic to stressed out players who fantasize about rushing to embrace the wondrous delights of “a normal life built around activities like waiting in line at the post office, showing up at your really boring cousin’s snoozer of a cocktail party [and] helping your neighbor wrestle the new mattress off the top of his car.”
PRESIDENTIAL PARDON OF THE YEAR: When presenting Billie Jean King with her Presidential Medal of Freedom, President Obama botched the number of titles the pioneer had won. But King (who passionately backed Hillary Clinton in her primary bid against Obama) didn’t give a hoot: “He wasn’t even in the ball park, but I thought it was adorable.”
BUSTIN’ UP THAT BARKER GANG?: The loveable James Blake is loyal, perhaps to a fault. Despite high volume critics, James stuck with his junior coach Brian Barker throughout his 17-year career in perhaps the longest lasting coaching relationship in ATP tennis. Now the 29-year-old who’s ranking has been diving of late, has decided to go with his Kelly Jones, who’s worked with Mardy Fish and John Isner.
GO FIGURE: Tim Henman claimed that Andy Murray is the second best player in the world and “people think he hasn’t made it yet?”…Seattle Seahawks defensive end Lawrence Jackson prepared for the season by reading Tim Gallwey’s classic, ‘The Inner Game of Tennis’….Hungarian Melinda Czink says she reads five or six books a week…There soon could be three Belgians in the top 20 — Clijsters, Henin and Yanina Wickmayer.
THE BEST THING SINCE THE DAGWOOD: An inquisitive blogger asked “Is it just me or does Brooklyn Decker [Andy Roddick’s wife] sound like some kind of sandwich?”
JOACHIM IN THE MIDDLE: Police said two players solicited prostitutes prior to the Stockholm Open. Their identities remained a mystery, but Joachim Johansson blogged, “[Juan] Monaco found out last night that he was accused…of being the player who bought sex…while [Ernests] Gulbis already acknowledged. [Monaco] will probably have a difficult time before the match on Wednesday. I’ll try to take advantage.” (Johansson won 6-4, 6-4.)
DON’T TELL MAHATMA GANDHI, BUT THAT GUY’S GIVING A BAD NAME TO HUNGER STRIKES: Jelena Dokic’s troubled father, Damir, staged a hunger strike to protest his 15-month prison sentence for threatening the Australian ambassador.
WAS CAROLINE OUT OF LINE?: Caution flags went up when Caroline Wozniacki, comfortably leading Anne Kremer 7-5, 5-0 in Luxembourg, withdrew from the first-round match claiming a leg injury. The Dane said she had pulled out so Kremer could continue to play in her home country. “I chose the sporting option,” the Dane declared. That’s fine, except that courtside mikes picked up her dad telling her to quit at 3-0 in the second set, which seemingly prompted a hefty shift in online betting patterns.
FRED AND GINGER STOP DANCING: “What a difference six months makes,” noted Carly Crawford. “In April she was all bling, but yesterday there was no ring.” Translation: earlier this year Chris Evert and Greg Norman were celebrated as a dream couple. Sure Norman was once the good buddy of Evert’s ex, Andy Mill, the father of her three sons. Sure, Norman’s marriage to Chrissie cost him $103 million and Chrissie had to fork over $7 million to Mill. Still, the power duo had it all: money, looks, love and ambition. And in April Sports Illustrated featured an endless (“Gee, this morning he had raspberry jam on his muffin, while she had strawberry jam on a poppy seed bagel”) analysis of their perfect partnership, calling them “the sports equivalent of Fred and Ginger, dancing cheek to cheek across a mirrored floor.” Evert’s younger brother, John, gushed, “They’re goofy in love. They hold hands and kiss in public, and you don’t want to be around them in a private setting. I’m like, ‘Guys, could you take it somewhere else?’” Even at the U.S. Open the love bugs were seen smiling and holding hands. The blissful 50-something lovers had a glow. Yet, just weeks later, there was the obligatory statement saying the couple “will remain friends and supportive.” Before being with Mill, Evert married John Lloyd. Mill surveyed the devastation, saying, “I just feel really badly for these two families, thinking about the destruction in the wake of what they’ve done. It’s horrible.” Laura Andrassy, Norman’s previous wife of 25 years, said “We all knew. We didn’t have high hopes…Here were two people very much alike — high profile and narcissistic and that would make a relationship difficult.” Writer Owen Slot noted that there neither, agents nor marketing men involved in the marriage. Nothing was being sold except “the concept of love and the ideal partnership as a performance-enhancing drug.” Still the dissolution left children in its wake and cruel stats (the 15-month marriage cost the duo $7.3 million a month) and plenty of snide quips. Miguel Seabra noted that Chrissie now has married a Brit (Lloyd), a Yank (Mill) and Aussie Norman and suggested that “Evert could complete a Grand Slam if she would just marry a Frenchman.” Ouch.
INJURY PANDEMIC: Caroline Wozniacki heroically recovers from cramps in Doha. Vera Zvonareva bleeds from her nose mid-match. Dinara Safina tearfully withdraws after two games in Doha and destroys her chances of finishing the year at No. 1. Eight men pull out of the Shaghai Masters, and the ATP rescinds its rule that allows a medical timeout to deal with cramps.
PEER PRESSURE: After significant jockeying, Israeli Shahar Peer will be playing the Bali tournament in Indonesia, the world’s largest Islamic nation.
MISSING WHAT SHE DOES BEST: Jutine Henin said: “For the first few weeks after my retirement, it was an exciting time for me. It was great. I was free to do whatever I wanted, and it was wonderful to spend time with my friends and the people I love. But, after the excitement, I experienced a difficult time, when I had to bring some order to my life, and when I had to face myself and my past.” Getting Her Priorities Right: When asked in the last scene of the documentary September Issue what’s the one thing she would want most, Vogue editor Anna Wintour says, “A better backhand.”
THE SERENA SYNDROME: Not surprisingly, Serena’s U.S. Open meltdown left plenty of questions in its very choppy wake. Serena said she’d sent the linesperson “a really long letter of apology and she understood.” Others wondered, “Was there a racial element? Was the footfault call right? Who was that official and where is she? Will Serena’s punishment of a paltry $10,500 be increased, and if not, why not? Was there gender bias involved?” Writer Kurt Streeter contended that, “a woman going nuts like that just does a number on our collective sense of what’s appropriate for a woman.” Some still question the foot-fault call, but Neil Harman noted that, “Serena’s language would not be tolerated in any sport and tennis has a responsibility to protect every official… from such a verbal onslaught.” Some Aussie officials contended that Serena not be banned from their turf. (“Hey America, she flipped out in your sandbox. Suspend her from your Slam, mate, not ours.”) Plus, many suspected the establishment was dithering. After all, WTA chief Stacey Alistar said, “It would be safe to assume that they will make a decision before year-end.” Bonnie Ford wrote: “The more the episode recedes in memory, the greater the natural tendency to sigh and move on and not blow up the crate of dynamite sitting beneath one of tennis’ marquee celebrities.”
QUOTEBOOK:
“The flame I thought was extinguished was relit.” — Justine Henin
“It was as if he was written by Shakespeare, translated from Dostoyevsky.” — Bruce Arthur on Marat Safin
